How it all started.

I have been with my husband for 5 1/2 years. We have lived together for 4 1/2 of those years, and have been married for 2 years. There was a point in time when I thought he was my soul mate, that we were meant to be together. We had a special connection. I know it's cheesy, but it is how I felt. He used to be a very sweet, considerate, and loving person. Somewhere along the line he changed. Somewhere along the line, I changed. I have never had an easy life, I have fought my whole life to get the things I want, and have not always been successful. However, from the moment that he and I moved in together, we have had one problem after another. Granted, most of the problems centered around me, but they affected us both. I have spent a good percentage of our relationship on some sort of anti-depressant or another, for one reason or another. There were several times when I said to him, life shouldn't be this hard. But, we decided to push forward, to find our happily ever after. He is after all, one of my best friends. He gets me like few other people in the world do. I tell him almost everything. So, you say, if this is true, then what is the problem. Well, somewhere along year 2 or so of our relationship I started to not want to have sex with him. Now, I have always had a very healthy sex drive in the past (yes, I love sex) but for some reason, suddenly I didn't want it as much, if at all. I thought there was something wrong with me. As I mentioned, I have been on several different anti-depressants, along with those, I also take two meds for my blood pressure, and a birth control pill. According to my doctor, any one of the pills I was taking could cause me to lose my sex drive. So, I assumed there was just something wrong with me, and we pushed forward trying to work passed it, finding ways to try and get me horny when he wanted sex, but I wasn't very happy with it. This went on for a few years, some nights were better then others, but we only had sex a couple of times a month, if that. During this time, I also noticed that he started to become more and more of an asshole. Not just too me, but to my friends, to my family, to his friends. He was becoming more and more of a jerk. Instead of asking me to do things, he would order me to do things (which usually lead to a fight). He hardly did anything nice for me, or romantic, and we bickered non-stop. Ok, skip over how we treat each other, and on to June of 2007. We had been married for a year, and still strugglingg to make it. June was the start of a horrible year. June is when my back started to hurt. June is when I lost a big chunk of my life. To make an even longer story short, I had severe back pain that is took the Dr.'s 3 months to figure out how to fix. In Sept. I had surgery on my spine to fix what was wrong. I was off of work for a very long time (to give you an idea, I am just now starting a new job on July 14, 2008). I had a lot of time to think. All I could do was lay at home. There is only so much you can do before you run out of things, and are forced to look at your own life. This lead me to finally figure out that there was nothing wrong with my sex drive, I did still want sex, I just didn't want to have sex with him. I am not attracted to him. I am also not in love with him. I can't really pin point exactly when I fell out of love with him, but I am 100% sure that I am no longer in love with him. How do you tell someone that, not only are you not attracted to him, but you are not in love with them? In future posts I will go over more of how he treated me while I was out of commission with my back, things he has done personally that I believe are partially responsible for why I am no longer attracted to him, and the things that lead me to realize that I am no longer in love with him. I will also write about when I finally told him how I feel, where we stand now, and how he has reacted to the whole situation, but for now, I will stop writing. I think I have given you enough information for one post.